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12 HOUSTON VOICE/AUGUST 23. 1996
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■il &
''■■ by Nancy Ford (appears bi-weekly in ihe Houslon Vowel
"There is a time for work, rind a time for
love. That leaves no other time. "—Coco
Chanel
As a result of a nasty nightmare in which I
was being chased through Houston by
Mattress Mac (who was trying to set fire to
me with an Olympic torch,) I was recently
challenged (which is so much more civilized than being dared) to endure 48-hour
period of time without any sort of informational fix. Nt> TV, newspaper, faxes
or cyber-spacing out.
In most cases a challenge-in this case a
double-dog challenge-wouldn't intim-
idaie me. Keep in mind this would be no
easy task tor a woman who grew up thinking
Lucy Ricardo was her mother. But let me
tell you what: even though I found great
pleasure in focusing my eyes and attention on something other than a 25-inch
glowing screen. I will never do that again.
A girl misses way too much. Hand me the
remote. Now.
Upon returning to the land of cable and
picture-iii-picture, I learned I had
missed one (if the biggest, if not most intriguing news stories of the year. No. I'm nol
talking about tlie Dole-Kemp alliance.
(Though I notice that they've been embracing and holding hands in public way too
much for two men who are less than supportive of gay rights.)
No, I'm talking about the three year old
boy who fell into an animal habitat at
Brookfield Zoo in Chicago. For benefit
of those of you who had perhaps also
accepted similar no-media-zone challenges and therefore, missed this news,
I'll rehash: a female gorilla is being touted
by some as having rescued the fallen boy
from further harm. Il seems that, upon
falling 18 feet through the railing into the
pit, the boy was scooped up in the arms of
this mama gorilla. She then cradled the
unconscious tot for a moment, and then laid
him gently and safely on the boulders near
the human entrance to the pit. Homo Sapiens then retrieved the boy. who is
expected to completely recover physically (if not emotionally.)
Had il been me. I probably would have
wakened with a headache, wondering
why the heck Roddy MacDowell was
rocking me in Ins arms.
This incident has raised a number of questions about evolution, the innate nur
turing capacity of mammals (dolphins
have been known for their share of good
deeds, too) and the wisdom of returning
to the use of chicken wire as a preventative measure. Then there's the matter of
whether or not the zoo should invoice the
boy's parents for day-care services.
Other bulletins I missed while communing with nature:
* Oprah Winfrey told Tyra Banks, on
national television, that her breasts are
"unbelievable." (—Tyra's breasts,
not Oprah's own breasts.) Is it just me, or is
it indicative to you, too. that not only is
Oprah no longer dating Steadman —she's
checkin' racks! Supermodel racks, no
less! Cool! Chalk up another female talk
show host as a potential family member.
(Speaking of which, my mother called last
week, asking if I'd ever seen "...that new
talk show with Rosie O'Donahue? Nancy. I
don't what it is, but something about her
reminds me of you." Swear to God. this is
what she said. Verbatim. Hmmm ... I wonder what that "something" could be?
With this, my mother has become the first
decidedly straight woman in recorded
history to exhibit signs of possessing
gaydar.)
* And. speaking of supermodels, Kathy
Ireland has become the first one to burp on
commercial television, in a Baked
Lay's ad. She insists that it's a great way to
get attention, having learned thai fact
the hard way as a result of growing up with a
bunch of brothers. If Katliy's brothers
are anywhere near as gross as my brothers, expect her to film a sequel plugging
Lay's Bean Dip.
* Even more evidence has been discovered supporting the existence of life on
Mars. Now let's search for signs of life in
Washington ... intelligent life, that is.
GOP VP wanna-be Jack Kemp stated this
weekend that he didn't know Abraham
Lincoln personally, but that Bill Clinton was no Abraham Lincoln. Perhaps he
should ask Boh Dole for a more personal
recollection.
Nancy Ford is a Houston-based comedian
and writer. She hosts Friends Fest 96, a
three day music, comedy, sports,and
entertainment camping extrava-
ganza, Oct. 4-6 in Dripping Springs.
Texas. For more information, call 512/
894-0567 .
710 Pacific Street
713/523-0213
Helping Hands across Houston
Cameron (Mr. Gay Space City Ail-American) presents a benefit show for the
Bering Care Activity Center on Sunday. Sept. 8. The show will be hosted by
Cameron and Roxanne Lee Love. E/J's
(2517 Ralph) is the place to be starting at
9pm. There will be food provided with a $2
donation. To have a chance to win Door
Prizes you have to show your voter's registration card or register to vote.
Cameron has gone to the extra effort of
being deputized as an official Harris
County Voter Registrar.
Door prize donations are thus far being
sponsored by Tuxedos ETC.. Pinnikel,
The Pot Pie, Basic Brothers. World News
Stand and High Volume Records and
Tapes. Food will be provided by Ronald
Dixon. Scheduled Performers are Cameron. Roxanne Lee Love, Tori Savage,
Paivi Lee Love. Tara Dion. Michaelay,
Oscar Paredes. William Smith, Brandon
Martin and host of other local celebrities. Additional cast members will be
announced as confirmed.
"1 want everyone to come out and help
support my efforts to raise money lot ihis
worthy organization and for us lo mobilize our community to use the power of our
vote," expressed Cameron.
Mr. Gay Space City All-American.
Cameron, will gladly register von to
Anyone who would like to donate items as
door prizes or who are interested in oiler
ing their talents in performing should
call 520-0118.
"This is going to be one of the most fabulous shows of the year." promises Cameron.
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