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Montrose Voice, No. 321-A, December 16, 1986
File 010
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Montrose Voice, No. 321-A, December 16, 1986 - File 010. 1986-12-16. University of Houston Libraries. University of Houston Digital Library. Web. May 31, 2020. https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/montrose/item/5757/show/5753.

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

(1986-12-16). Montrose Voice, No. 321-A, December 16, 1986 - File 010. Montrose Voice. University of Houston Libraries. Retrieved from https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/montrose/item/5757/show/5753

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

Montrose Voice, No. 321-A, December 16, 1986 - File 010, 1986-12-16, Montrose Voice, University of Houston Libraries, accessed May 31, 2020, https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/montrose/item/5757/show/5753.

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

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Title Montrose Voice, No. 321-A, December 16, 1986
Contributor
  • McClurg, Henry
Publisher Community Publishing Company
Date December 16, 1986
Language English
Subject
  • LGBTQ community
  • LGBTQ people
  • Gay liberation movement
Place
  • Houston, Texas
Genre
  • newspapers
Type
  • Text
Identifier OCLC: 22329406
Collection
  • University of Houston Libraries Special Collections
  • LGBT Research Collection
  • Montrose Voice
Rights In Copyright
Note This item was digitized from materials loaned by the Gulf Coast Archive and Museum (GCAM).
Item Description
Title File 010
Transcript ... WTHE QUESTION L\NGEK>-- HCNVPOTHE/RWIHOSE MOKWTES IN IRAN. AMYWi/ ? Our Fighting Freedom Fighters \ The Innocent Bystander By Arthur Hoppe y It was in the 43rd year of the Contra Freedom Fighter's lightning campaign to battle their way out of Honduras and back into Nicaragua. CIA Agent Ben- tley Basil was visiting the front-line headquarters of Colonel Muchas Grades in the Bluebird Suite of Miami Beach's Louis XIV Hotel. "I'm afraid I must report that disaster has struck. Colonel," said Basil <" grimly. The colonel blanched. "Holy Toledo!" he cried. "Don't tell me those Sandinistas are shooting at our Freedom Fighters again!" "No, it's this scandal in Washington," said Basil. "If all these witnesses keep testifying before all these committees on Capitol Hill, it looks like Congress will cut off all aid to you. We need your help." "Certainly," said the colonel. "How many death squads can I loan you?" "That's not what I had.in mind, Colonel." "Well, my goodness, how can you expect me to restore democracy to my beloved Nicaragua if you let people go around blabbing whatever's on their minds?" Basil frowned. "What we need from you is a quick victory to restore public confidence in your Freedom Fighters." "Never fear," said the colonel, "we are about to launch our all-out winter cam paign." "On Managua?" "No, on Main Street, USA. Our slogan for this one is 'Greenbacks from Grin gos.' We'll set up giant thermometers in every hamlet, and each patriotic donor of $25 or more gets a t-shirt inscribed. 'I Am a Founding Father, Too.'" "That's no. going to restore public confidence." "You're right, amigo. We'd better also redouble our efforts on the Adopt-a- Contra Program. But frankly, we're running low on ammunition. We're down to our last 5000 glossies of those Contras giving homeless puppies to needy orphans. Which reminds me. think you could spare a (en spot'.'" "Look, Colonel, I'm talking about fighting." "Fighting? My goodness, I'm sick of fighting. First Colonel Adiosmucha- chos grabs the corner suite down the hall without so much as a by-your-leave. The Colonel Socorro keeps using up all the ice for his cocktail parties, and, golly, does he invite me?" "I mean real fighting, taking casual ties, attacking..." "Oh, si, casualties. I shudder when I think of our casualties. Why just last week Corporal de Nada got a hernia lifting that package of $100 bills the Sultan of Brunei sent in." "1x4 me lay it on the line, Colonel. We want a quick victory. That means you're going to have to send our 15.00(1 Freedom Fighters across the border to slug it out with ..." "The 60,000-man Sandinista army? Are you out of your..." Just then the phone rang. "Muchas Gracias," snapped the colonel into the mouthpiece. "Ah," he said, after listen ing a moment, "muchas gracias muchas gracias! You've given us the kind of quick victory that's worth fighting for." "You've defeated the Sandinistas?' exclaimed Basil. "' Better yet," said the colonel happily "the Iman of Oman has come through with $4 million in matching funds." Basil exploded. "Damn it Colonel," he shouted, "what's worth fighting for is eliminating the Communist menace in Central America!" "Oh, si," said the colonel, "that too. That, too." 1986 (S.F | Chronicle Publishing Co Community News from Neighborhood & Community Groups ^/Police Community Center to Celebrate 1st Birthday The Neartown Police Community Center. 802 Westheimer, will celebrate its first anniversary with a public open house on Thursday. Dec. 18, 6:00-8:00 p.m. Sponsored by the Neartown Business Alliance, the celebration will include food and entertainment. "It's free and open to the public." explained John Daniels, security and community relations director of Liberty Bank, who instigated the police center project. ^/Christmas Service at Church of the Rock The Church of the Rock will hold a candlelight service beginning at 11:45 p.m., Dec 24 ChurchoftheRock is locatedat 10133 Long Point ('/;■ block west of Gessner. off 1-10) Rev. Laura J. Sieczynski is pastor and Rev. Sherral A. Ventura is minister of outreach. Bible study begins at 9:30 a.m. Sundays and service begins at 10:30 am For more information, call 580-8456. DECEMBER 16, 1986 / MONTROSE VOICE 9 Entrepreneur Sponsors 'Urine Ball' By Mark Langford AUSTIN (UPI)—Jeff Nightbyrd is not one to waste a "natural" resource, especially when it can make some money and help fight for a civil liberties cause at the same time. For the last month, the Austin entrepreneur has sold 100 percent pure urine—collected from a Bible study group—to people facing job-related drug tests. Nightbyrd announced Dec. 10 he is taking his campaign a step further—a Urine Ball designed to raise public awareness and money for a legal defense fund against drug testing. The ball, scheduled for Wed., Dec. 17 at the Ritz Theater on Sixth Street, will feature musical guests, contests and a 19:i0g style dance production called "Urine the Money" by Esther's Follies. Nightbyrd, 32, said he has sold more than 150 clean urine samples in plastic bags for $49.95 each. He demonstrated his latest effort, a "freeze dried" version of urine that can be mixed with water. Nightbyrd said he sees nothing wrong with making money in the support of a good cause. "Besides trying to make a million dollars in urine, there is an important civil liberties issue," he said. "I don't know why a person can't be a businessman and have ethics, too." Jim Harrington, legal director for the Texas Civil Liberties Union, said Night- byrd's urine business and the Urine Ball will help raise the drug-testing debate to its proper level by showing its "absurdity." "It's a sad commentary on society in 1986 that we would base someone's livelihood on such an intrusive and ridiculous practice," Harrington said. Nightbyrd said his previous supplies of drug-free urine, which came from senior citizens in a Bible study group, are no longer available. He declined to reveal his new source, saying it might be cut off as well. He said he has been deluged with requests for pure urine as more and more companies require drug testing for current and prospective employees. Nightbyrd and Harrington condemned the practice, saying current testing methods produce a false positive rate of up to 30 percent. "It's not the American way," sayd Nightbyrd, who is also selling a $5 pamphlet called "Success in Urine Testing." It details how to avoid false positive results and pass a urinalysis. The UrineBall will be held two days after a scheduled Dec. 15 hearing on a lawsuit filed by an Austin woman to hold random drug tests rquired by her employer, Minco Technology Labs. Harrington, who is representing the woman, said the suit is the first in Texas against a private employer over the issue of drug testing. Brenda Jennings alleges in the suit that such a test would violate her right to privacy. The Urine Ball—with its theme of "Pee for Pleasure, Not for Employment"—will feature members of Asleep at the Wheel, Hotel and the Hot Tomatoes, Urine Savages, and a urine-testing costume contest and a urine song contest. All proceeds go the the Urine Defense Fund. «
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