... WTHE QUESTION L\NGEK>--
MOKWTES IN IRAN. AMYWi/ ?
Our Fighting Freedom Fighters
The Innocent Bystander
By Arthur Hoppe y
It was in the 43rd year of the Contra
Freedom Fighter's lightning campaign
to battle their way out of Honduras and
back into Nicaragua. CIA Agent Ben-
tley Basil was visiting the front-line
headquarters of Colonel Muchas Grades in the Bluebird Suite of Miami
Beach's Louis XIV Hotel.
"I'm afraid I must
report that disaster
Colonel," said Basil <"
Toledo!" he cried.
"Don't tell me those
shooting at our
"No, it's this scandal in Washington," said Basil. "If all these witnesses
keep testifying before all these committees on Capitol Hill, it looks like Congress will cut off all aid to you. We need
"Certainly," said the colonel. "How
many death squads can I loan you?"
"That's not what I had.in mind,
"Well, my goodness, how can you
expect me to restore democracy to my
beloved Nicaragua if you let people go
around blabbing whatever's on their
Basil frowned. "What we need from
you is a quick victory to restore public
confidence in your Freedom Fighters."
"Never fear," said the colonel, "we are
about to launch our all-out winter cam
"No, on Main Street, USA. Our slogan
for this one is 'Greenbacks from Grin
gos.' We'll set up giant thermometers in
every hamlet, and each patriotic donor
of $25 or more gets a t-shirt inscribed. 'I
Am a Founding Father, Too.'"
"That's no. going to restore public
"You're right, amigo. We'd better also
redouble our efforts on the Adopt-a-
Contra Program. But frankly, we're
running low on ammunition. We're
down to our last 5000 glossies of those
Contras giving homeless puppies to
Which reminds me. think you could
spare a (en spot'.'"
"Look, Colonel, I'm talking about
"Fighting? My goodness, I'm sick of
fighting. First Colonel Adiosmucha-
chos grabs the corner suite down the
hall without so much as a by-your-leave.
The Colonel Socorro keeps using up all
the ice for his cocktail parties, and,
golly, does he invite me?"
"I mean real fighting, taking casual
"Oh, si, casualties. I shudder when I
think of our casualties. Why just last
week Corporal de Nada got a hernia lifting that package of $100 bills the Sultan
of Brunei sent in."
"1x4 me lay it on the line, Colonel. We
want a quick victory. That means you're
going to have to send our 15.00(1 Freedom Fighters across the border to slug it
out with ..."
"The 60,000-man Sandinista army?
Are you out of your..."
Just then the phone rang. "Muchas
Gracias," snapped the colonel into the
mouthpiece. "Ah," he said, after listen
ing a moment, "muchas gracias
muchas gracias! You've given us the
kind of quick victory that's worth fighting for."
"You've defeated the Sandinistas?'
"' Better yet," said the colonel happily
"the Iman of Oman has come through
with $4 million in matching funds."
Basil exploded. "Damn it Colonel," he
shouted, "what's worth fighting for is
eliminating the Communist menace in
"Oh, si," said the colonel, "that too.
1986 (S.F | Chronicle Publishing Co
News from Neighborhood & Community Groups
^/Police Community Center
to Celebrate 1st Birthday
The Neartown Police Community Center. 802 Westheimer, will celebrate its first anniversary with a public open house on Thursday. Dec. 18, 6:00-8:00 p.m.
Sponsored by the Neartown Business Alliance, the celebration will include food and
entertainment. "It's free and open to the public." explained John Daniels, security and
community relations director of Liberty Bank, who instigated the police center project.
at Church of the Rock
The Church of the Rock will hold a candlelight service beginning at 11:45 p.m., Dec 24
ChurchoftheRock is locatedat 10133 Long Point ('/;■ block west of Gessner. off 1-10) Rev.
Laura J. Sieczynski is pastor and Rev. Sherral A. Ventura is minister of outreach.
Bible study begins at 9:30 a.m. Sundays and service begins at 10:30 am For more
information, call 580-8456.
DECEMBER 16, 1986 / MONTROSE VOICE 9
By Mark Langford
AUSTIN (UPI)—Jeff Nightbyrd is not
one to waste a "natural" resource, especially when it can make some money
and help fight for a civil liberties cause
at the same time.
For the last month, the Austin entrepreneur has sold 100 percent pure
urine—collected from a Bible study
group—to people facing job-related drug
Nightbyrd announced Dec. 10 he is
taking his campaign a step further—a
Urine Ball designed to raise public
awareness and money for a legal
defense fund against drug testing.
The ball, scheduled for Wed., Dec. 17
at the Ritz Theater on Sixth Street, will
feature musical guests, contests and a
19:i0g style dance production called
"Urine the Money" by Esther's Follies.
Nightbyrd, 32, said he has sold more
than 150 clean urine samples in plastic
bags for $49.95 each. He demonstrated
his latest effort, a "freeze dried" version
of urine that can be mixed with water.
Nightbyrd said he sees nothing
wrong with making money in the support of a good cause.
"Besides trying to make a million dollars in urine, there is an important civil
liberties issue," he said. "I don't know
why a person can't be a businessman
and have ethics, too."
Jim Harrington, legal director for the
Texas Civil Liberties Union, said Night-
byrd's urine business and the Urine
Ball will help raise the drug-testing
debate to its proper level by showing its
"It's a sad commentary on society in
1986 that we would base someone's livelihood on such an intrusive and ridiculous practice," Harrington said.
Nightbyrd said his previous supplies
of drug-free urine, which came from
senior citizens in a Bible study group,
are no longer available. He declined to
reveal his new source, saying it might
be cut off as well.
He said he has been deluged with
requests for pure urine as more and
more companies require drug testing for
current and prospective employees.
Nightbyrd and Harrington condemned the practice, saying current
testing methods produce a false positive
rate of up to 30 percent.
"It's not the American way," sayd
Nightbyrd, who is also selling a $5 pamphlet called "Success in Urine Testing."
It details how to avoid false positive
results and pass a urinalysis.
The UrineBall will be held two days
after a scheduled Dec. 15 hearing on a
lawsuit filed by an Austin woman to
hold random drug tests rquired by her
employer, Minco Technology Labs.
Harrington, who is representing the
woman, said the suit is the first in Texas
against a private employer over the
issue of drug testing. Brenda Jennings
alleges in the suit that such a test would
violate her right to privacy.
The Urine Ball—with its theme of
"Pee for Pleasure, Not for Employment"—will feature members of Asleep
at the Wheel, Hotel and the Hot Tomatoes, Urine Savages, and a urine-testing
costume contest and a urine song contest. All proceeds go the the Urine