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Montrose Voice, No. 162, December 2, 1983
File 018
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Montrose Voice, No. 162, December 2, 1983 - File 018. 1983-12-02. University of Houston Libraries. University of Houston Digital Library. Web. January 22, 2021. https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/montrose/item/5357/show/5349.

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

(1983-12-02). Montrose Voice, No. 162, December 2, 1983 - File 018. Montrose Voice. University of Houston Libraries. Retrieved from https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/montrose/item/5357/show/5349

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

Montrose Voice, No. 162, December 2, 1983 - File 018, 1983-12-02, Montrose Voice, University of Houston Libraries, accessed January 22, 2021, https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/montrose/item/5357/show/5349.

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

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Compound Item Description
Title Montrose Voice, No. 162, December 2, 1983
Contributor
  • McClurg, Henry
Publisher Community Publishing Company
Date December 2, 1983
Language English
Subject
  • LGBTQ community
  • LGBTQ people
  • Gay liberation movement
Place
  • Houston, Texas
Genre
  • newspapers
Type
  • Text
Identifier OCLC: 22329406
Collection
  • University of Houston Libraries Special Collections
  • LGBT Research Collection
  • Montrose Voice
Rights In Copyright
Note This item was digitized from materials loaned by the Gulf Coast Archive and Museum (GCAM).
Item Description
Title File 018
Transcript directed at Jackie Kennedy Onassis. Although she had her moment of panic during the assassination of the late president, she generally is remembered as the strong, silent widow standing tall with a humble dignity. That wasn't the kind of mourning I had in mind. I wanted to go out into the dark evening and rage against the sky and stars at whatever or whoever had allowed this tragedy to descend. I've been trying to find my own way through this. I talk with my men and women friends, my Shanti counselor, my therapist. Weeks after Mark's death, I would walk through my days, functioning on a minimal level. I felt confused, alone and very disoriented. I wondered, "Is this part of the grief?" I would recognize grief in my crying, but wonder about the meaning of so much confusion and insecurity in my life. I thought of Mark every day; I missed him every day. Somehow every Thursday near 4:00 p.m. (the day and time of his death), I would be especially reminded of him. On a few Thursday afternoons, I would even be driving Mark's car past Franklin Hospital where he died. Mark had been very skillful last winter and spring in bringing the focus of the media to AIDS. He gave endless interviews to newspapers and to radio and TV stations. His photo was featured in Newsweek and the German magazine, Der Spiegel. After his death, the legacy of Mark's activism left me and many others in a curious conflicted position. It was impossible throughout the months of June and July to pick up a gay newspaper or newsletter without seeing a photo of Mark or reading a reference to him. Local AIDS TV specials featured clips of Mark's speaking from his hospital bed or speaking from the stage the night of the Candlelight March. I want Mark and his courage and example to others to be remembered. At the time, however, I felt intruded upon by these photos, articles and feature programs. I had no control over how or when the issues of Mark's absence and my grief would be thrown at me. With the lack of any community guidelines, I confronted a variety of responses from individuals. Some would know just what to do, and a quick hug would replace any initial awkward words. Others would avoid me, as they later explained, because they didn't know what to say. Some would become noticeably uncomfortable if I mentioned Mark in casual conversation or if sometimes I spoke of him in the present tense. As the weeks passed, I began to get more messages. Now a few acquaintances would suggest that it really was time for me "to get on with it." I was told, "Life must go on. Get out and have some fun. Meet someone new." Ironically, others would wonder aloud how I could possibly think of feeling affectionate or loving to another man so soon. What I wanted most at the time was for someone to understand that I was confused, that I needed some comfort, and that I wanted to talk- frequently about Mark. During Mark's last six months of being in and out of hospitals, on and off treatment programs, there usually wasn't the time for any of us to really discuss what was happening. Too much happened too fast. There was no normal time. My experiences of witnessing death and confronting grief convinces me that there is often a lack of awareness and sensitity, but mostly a lack of understanding, among our gay population of what is unfortunately going on here. That we have immense good will and that we have responded to the AIDS crisis with courage, devotion and determination I don't question for a moment. I just find that once again, we have another need pulling at our consciousness. What can I say to those of you who fear that you will soon share my experience of losing a loved one to AIDS? Or to those of you who have already lost someone? What can we say to each other? There may not be much need for words: the most intense feelings are shared and understood. Opening ourselves to love takes on a special meaning, to others this may sound like an outdated ilic'lK I will simply say what I have learned tp this point, five months later. My grief and the intensity of it are very important to me; it is a reflection of my deep feelings for Mark. My grief is my own experience. I won't follow anyone else's patterns or expectations. Only I will know how long my grieving should continue. I may, however, seek out the observations of others to achieve some perspective. I will seek comfort where I'm able and when I choose. I still have both the need and the capability to give and receive love, to be affectionate and intimate, to be sexual. 1 remember Mark's telling me, "Michael, this disease is mine. You can't experience it the way I do." Now I think this grieving is mine. I want and need to share some of it with others; but it is my own experience to feel and from which to learn. I feel that I've reached a stage, a phase in the process of grieving, of opening myself to the experience of death and to the immensity of life. AIDS and the losses associated with it have been too DEC. 2, 1983 / MONTROSE VOICE intense for me to handle with my formerly adequate Belf-sufficiency. I have painfully experienced many personal limitations, and I'm now looking in new directions. My life feels changed, and yet I'm just standing on the edge of the changes. It looks pretty frightening out there. I've never felt a greater challenge ahead of me or one with greater opportunities. I'm very thankful that I'm not alone in this process. I have good men and women friends who understand, and we care deeply for each other. And I have an ally, my Mark, my Jewish American Prince, wearing his crown and nudging me forward. If Mark is on those Greek and Hawaiian islands someday when I travel there, I want to be ready to open my heart to him with joy and more love. L'Chaim. To Life. 17 ATTORNEY AT LAW DWI DEBT RELIEF BANKRUPTCY PERSONAL INJURY FAMILY LAW Free Consultation Reasonable Fees & Terms Sat. & Evening Appts. 303 W. Polk at Tatt 520-1370 Helquist is a California journalist living in the San Francisco Bay area. Reprinted from "Coming Up." September, 1983. 1C 1983. All rights reserved. Texas Trial Lawyers Association Licensed by the Texas Supreme Courl Now... Ride in Widebody Comfort to Los Angeles... EASTERN'S L-1011 Wisperliner Departs Daily at 5:35 P.M. —o— Starting January 9 New Widebody Service to New Orleans, Miami and Las Vegas. Check our Affordable Fares! Call your travel agent or Eastern Airlines in Houston at 738-8615. EASTERN, Houston's oldest and largest major carrier serving you since 1936. ^ EASTERN America's favorite way to fly. ■ ■■■■■ ■
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