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Montrose Voice, No. 162, December 2, 1983
File 014
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Montrose Voice, No. 162, December 2, 1983 - File 014. 1983-12-02. University of Houston Libraries. University of Houston Digital Library. Web. January 22, 2021. https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/montrose/item/5357/show/5345.

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

(1983-12-02). Montrose Voice, No. 162, December 2, 1983 - File 014. Montrose Voice. University of Houston Libraries. Retrieved from https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/montrose/item/5357/show/5345

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

Montrose Voice, No. 162, December 2, 1983 - File 014, 1983-12-02, Montrose Voice, University of Houston Libraries, accessed January 22, 2021, https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/montrose/item/5357/show/5345.

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

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Title Montrose Voice, No. 162, December 2, 1983
Contributor
  • McClurg, Henry
Publisher Community Publishing Company
Date December 2, 1983
Language English
Subject
  • LGBTQ community
  • LGBTQ people
  • Gay liberation movement
Place
  • Houston, Texas
Genre
  • newspapers
Type
  • Text
Identifier OCLC: 22329406
Collection
  • University of Houston Libraries Special Collections
  • LGBT Research Collection
  • Montrose Voice
Rights In Copyright
Note This item was digitized from materials loaned by the Gulf Coast Archive and Museum (GCAM).
Item Description
Title File 014
Transcript Commentary Naming a Gay Business is Not an Easy Feat Dec. 2,1983 / Montrose voice 13 By Peter Harrison If you want to open a business, better think up a name right now. One of my oldest, dearest and best-hung friends recently went through the trauma of going to the county clerk's office to register a name for his new plant store: he thought "The Green Queen" was a good one. But, no! Someone else somewhere else in the state had beat him to it. I tried to soothe him with a combination of warm caresses and cold gin. I even suggested a better name, I thought: "Sod 'Em and Grow More Rye." But he went into terminal wilt until he came up with "How Does Your Basket Hang?" and ran off to the courthouse to try that one. I'm beginning to think that I should open a business of my own, a kind of advisory service for people like him who need names for new enterprises. After eating at a couple of new gay restaurants, I've come to the conclusion that more time was spent planning what to call those places than on any questions of food preparation or decor. "A Quiche Before Dining" did offer quiche as an appetizer, a bouncy little item that prophesized the latex-derivative steak to come. "Tomorrow's Manicotti" had papered the walls with old physique magazines, it's true, but the pasta tasted more like yesterday's. Raw fish has never appealed to me, so I can't honestly comment on "Name That Tuna" and "If You Knew Sushi." Obviously, the gay community puts great store in originality. Others don't seem to care quite so much. In both New York and San Francisco, there are "Old Original Joe's" and I believe that there's even an "Old Original Joe's Number Two" in one or the other. Having lots of money Beems to work against catchy names, too. You won't find service stations called "Don't Pass Our Gas" or "The Lube Your Joint Joint." Movie moguls are very happy with "Superman III" and "Rocky Infinity." Hilton and Sheraton just keep on throwing up "Hilton Hamtramcks" and "Sheraton Sheboygans." But our people suffer from what I call the Rumplestilskin Syndrome. You gotta have a name or the magic's not there. Let me tell you the true story of two men who went to Russian River, fell in love with the place and decided to open a gay guest house. After tramping around (and I emphasize tramping) for three days, they consulted a real-estate office and found a charming old building with ponds, trees, ducks and flowers. It was going cheap, because it was near a railroad siding where two abandoned cabooses were baking in the sun. No one wanted them, and prospective buyers considered them an eyesore. Our heroes, truly creative sorts, realized that the cabooses could be easily lifted off the tracks onto the property and made into charming (a key word in gay business) little (another key word here) weekend hideaways (that's called a literary hat trick—three key words in one phrase). They checked with the railroad—sure enough, cabooses went more cheaply than new construction. Zoning was right. There was adequate water, sewage and a ready- made clientele. So they sat back and started planning. There would be little Roger & Gaillet soaps, big bath towels and complimentary shampoo. They started making lists- of things to check: is KY available in tiny little tubes? Can you grow watercress in a duck pond? And, they considered the name. "Take The A Train," "Loose Caboose" and "Orange Blossom Special" were all discarded. "The Right Track" and "Club Car" just seemed to prove that the railroad motif wasn't the way to go. "Wanderlust" and "Loose Ends" killed a travel theme. Meanwhile, interest rates crept to 12 percent. "Yo' Mama's," as in "Where are you staying?" "Yo* Mama's!" nearly caused an argument. "Mother Ducks" was offered rapturously by one of the partners and received coolly by the other. Interest went to 13 percent. To cut a long story short, by the time they arrived at a name—"Boys R Us"— mortgage rates had gone through the ceiling. Instead of realizing their dreams of welcoming hunks to their soignee orgy parlor, they found themselves overwhelmed with mountains of brochures for kitchen implements, souvenir matches and lawn furniture. Instead of happily sharing their work as well as leisure time, they found themselves with a severely strained relationship. ("If we'd called it 'Gandy Dancers' like I wanted, we'd be operating now." "If we'd named it that, we'd be out of business now.") All of this could have been avoided if I were in business, offering help to those who need it. A quick consultation with Peter Harrison, and you'd be off in a flame with a name. Vital with a title. All systems a-go-go with a logo. A gay video arcade? "Shirley Booths." Gay farm chemicals? "Weed 'Em and Reap." Gay storage system? "Closet Cases." Dry cleaners? "Pressing Concerns." Footwear? "The Shoe Must Go On." See how easy I could make it for you? If you're interested, keep watching this column, and I'll let you know how to get in touch. I'll be open for business—as soon as I can think of a name. Harrison lives in New Jersey. His column appears here and in other gay publications. &1983 Stonewall Features Syndicate. The STRATFORD on Baldwin Condominiums as individual and private as you are. We offer you the privacy and & security you demand, at a price you can afford. The Stratford on Baldwin condominiums. 18 newly constructed one and two bedroom units are reasonably priced starting at $49,500. Each unit has a private patio/balcony, and individual storage closets in the covered parking area beiou. Enjoy the easy access to a centrally located hot tub and two redwood sundecks just a stroll away. Located in the Montrose area, just off Tuam, and convenient to dountoum Houston, the Stratford on Baldwin condominiums are not common, they are as individual as you are. V c <F please contact: Uymon ♦ Finger. Inc. 5J5 South Post Oak Blvd. ■ Suite 162 • Houston. Texas 77027 ■ 7131621-8350
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