14 MONTROSE VOICE / FEBRUARY 20, 1987
By Mark Orion
Your Horoscope Irom the Voice
For Friday evening. Feb. 20. through Friday
morning. Feb. 27. 1987
ARIES—From out of the blue comes an
offer, a job, or even a pleasure that you
hadn't even thought of. (What in the
world can that be?) Shuffle your thoughts
and rearrange your priorities. Being able
to react to it quickly and decisively will be
TAURUS—Time to be a team player.
You learn that in being part of a group;
being able to work with others doesn't
diminish your individuality. You're a star
in the midst of other stars, shining your
own special light.
GEMINI—Aren't you getting friction
burns yet? I just keep seeing sex, sex, sex
in your stars, with no end—make that
letup—in sight. It looks like things may
take a more romantic, though.
Today's Television is Oversexed
The Innocent Bystander
By Arthur Hoppe
Are the children out of the room? Good.
For the subject today is one that should
only be discussed between consenting
adults. I'm speaking of—let the chips
fall where they may—condoms.
Many of us par
ents are frightfully
what effect condom
advertising on television will have on
is studying the
threat at great
The question, of
course, is what we parents can do to
protect our children from such commercials. Actually, they are already run
ning on the screens in my
neighborhood. And I will be glad to tell
you of the sane, sensible precaution I
"Hi, there, Malphasia," I said to my
only daughter the other evening.
"Thought I'd watch tee-vee with you.
Mind if I hold the old remote control?
That way I can change channels in case
something comes on ... I mean if
there's something offensive or ... Hey!
What are you watching, some kind of
"No, Daddy," said Malphasia, painting a fingernail, "that's 'Heat in the
Ashes ' Cindy and Carstair are making
mad, passionate love in the gazebo. It's
kind of historic because it's the first
time they've done it in the gazebo."
"Oh," I said. "Maybe I'd betterswitch
to Channel Seven."
"Right," agreed Malphasia. "They
were better last week making mad, passionate love in the wheelbarrow. Of
course, they had Pietro, the gardener, in
there with them."
I hastily hit the Seven button. "Oh,
look," I said, "there's that exciting spy
fellow, James Whatshisname. They've
got him strapped spread-eagled on that
drill-press table. But the door's opening
and a mysterious figure's entering. My
gracious, from the back, that lady looks
stark naked, and she's approaching
James, and now she's ... Oh, my goodness!"
"Yeah," said Malphasia, blowing on
a finger, "I think she's into bondage."
I hit a succession of buttons which
brought forth scenes of various folks
making mad, passionate love in back
seats, gondolas, fishing boats, balloons,
front seats, a giant clam shell and even
beds. Finally, I pushed some button or
other, and there on the screen
appeared—would you believe it!—a
young couple merely holding hands!
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"I hate old movies," said Malphasia.
It was at this point that my neighbor
Mr. Crannich pounded on the window.
"Your garage is on fire!" he cried
through the glass.
"Sit right there and don't move a muscle or change a channel," I ordered Malphasia.
I should have known. Tbe garage fire
was only my son, Mordred, having a
party with his friends and their funny,
brown cigarettes. But by the time I got
back to Malphasia ... Oh, cursed fate!
For as I entered the living room, I
heard a woman's voice uttering from
the set those terrifying words that every
parent dreads: "I'd do a lot for love," she
was saying, "but I'm not ready to die for
"Malphasia!" I cried, hut I was too
She sat staring at the set, her eyes
wide, her jaw agape, her whole body
trembling. "I didn't know," she said
slowly, as though hypnotized, "that
were such things."
And before I could stop her, she
rushed up to her room, put on a pair of
black, lacey, strapless sandals, and
vanished out the door. We haven't seen
the poor, lost soul since.
1 1987 (S F I Chroncile Publishing Co.
Ijac and GeneS
"Servicing the Montrose" '
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CANCER—A lot of people need help
from you, and the best way to help might
be to get away. If only for a day, for few
miles, you need to recharge your batteries with a new view and some distance.
Then come back and help.
LEO—You've got something to explain
to authority figures, and though you're
pushed to do it, you're in no mood for
compromise or denial. If you're firm, but
not angry, you'll be heard. Try dignity,
VIRGO—Your words have that magic
touch, so be careful who you're talking to
when you whisper of love and lust. You
could tell almost anyone anything and
they'd believe it. Say those sexy things
you love to say, but be sure you mean
LIBRA—If recent blues are still hanging around, someone would dearly love
to help you get rid of them. Don't be too
hard and cold to let someone sweet and
gentle in. Who's that knocking?
SCORPIO—If you weren't so smart,
you might be arrogant. In sex, it's nice to
tell someone where to put it and when
you want it done, but in other areas, being
an example rather than a dictator works
SAGITTARIUS -Self improvement
time. You can clear out the cobwebs of
the past and figure out what's bugging
your present if you sit down and talk it all
out. Not this time, but the next, can be a
super time if you take care of business
CAPRICORN—It's explore your fantasies time! Rummage through all that stuff
in your head and see what would turn you
on But don't keep it to yourself; let love
take a lighter touch and share the fun.
AQUARIUS—Let the moon be your
guide this time. Take chances, trust your
hunches, follow that dream! Enjoy the
release that comes from laughter or tears.
A time for partnerships to be fruitful Can
you taste it?
PISCES—All that support you got
which made you feel like Number One
recently has grown into the confidence
you need to go after what you want.
Share your future plans with the one you
want to share the future with.
' 1987 MONTROSE VOICE