HOUSTON VOICE www.houstonvoice.com
JULY 7, 2006 19
IF I WANTED TO HAVE ORAL SEX
with a condom on, I would just give head
to a dildo.
I FINALLY GET LUCKY AND PICK
up a trick, and now I know why I don't do
it that often. I don't know how to make
"DISEASE FREE, UB2." CAN THE
guys who put this lame-ass line in their
personal ads really prove that they aren't
carrying herpes, hepatitis, HPV and so on?
IF YOU HAVE ENOUGH TIME OUT
of your boring life to notice what people
are doing at clubs and gyms, maybe you
should wonder why you're not getting laid.
Bitch Boy responds: To bitch...
THERE'S NOTHING TO BITCH ABOUT
Bitch Boy responds:... or not to bitch...
IF YOU HAVE NOTHING TO BITCH
about, you must be dead or your life is so
dull and boring you're too numb to realize
you need to bitch about it! No one is ever
that happy for long.
Bitch Boy responds: ... that is the
I'M SICK OF GAY REPUBLICANS
who justify backing a party against gay
rights by saying they aren't single-issue
voters. But then they vote on a single
issue like "the war on terror." You're only
CAN YOU BITCHES WHO CALL US
pretentious for talking about upcoming
vacations and home improvements tell us
what topics you approve of?
TO THE BITCH ABOUT DJS GETTING
all the attention: All the brilliant lighting
in the world won't make up for a lousy D.I
People go to the clubs for three primary
things: sex, drinking and music. No one is
there for the lighting.
Bitch Boy responds: Yes but consider the
reverse: Bad (as in bright) lighting sends
the queens scattering like cockroaches.
IN RESPONSE TO BITCH BOY ASKING
if anyone has met a man who uses a condom during oral sex: Actually yes, my
neighbor says he always uses a condom
I UNDERSTAND THE CONCERN
over safety but what is sexually stimulating about the taste of latex? Yuck.
I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW
escorts can deal with having sex with people they are not attracted to? Yes, you're
getting paid good money, but how can you
stomach being intimate with some of the
people who pay for those services?
HI BITCH BOY! I ALWAYS ADORE
your blatant sarcasm, but why is there no
Biotch Gyrl or a "Session" not so male-
drenched? Insert rude response here:
Bitch Boy responds: Because I'm very in
touch with my feminine side. Nothing
stopping you gals from creating a womyn-
born-womyn-only "safe space" to do your
ESCORTS SHOULD NOT EXPECT TO
get paid their full fee if the John doesn't
like what you look like after you first meet
and you go no further than that. Some
people have no business being escorts.
Forget about tightening the leash. If your
so-called girlfriend is throwing other
women in your face, it's time to cut the
leash. The nerve of her!
A BOY IS SOMEONE UNDER 18, SO
why do so many people who are obviously
men advertise themselves as such?
Just because you shave off your body hair,
do drugs and act like you're still in high
school with no direction in life?
WHY LABEL YOUR COLOR AS
caramel? You're either Hispanic, black,
white or Asian.
Bitch Boy responds: You trying to get
laid or taking the Census?
WHY DO PEOPLE WITH SNOT IN
their nose go out to the bars and then
snort it up repeatedly within earshot of
everyone else? Do you really think anyone
will find you appealing like that?
I DO SUPPORT MY COUNTRY IN A
time of war. In fact. I love my country
enough that I tried to warn people that
the war would be a huge mistake, which it
has turned out to be.
I HAVE A LOT OF MONEY BECAUSE I
don't go straight to the bars after work to
piss it all away.
IF YOU PLAN TO ADVERTISE YOUR
business in a gay publication, don't put
your ugly mug in for everyone to see.
1 MUST BE A LESBIAN TRAPPED IN A
gay man's body. I'm a whiz at plumbing,
but I'm hopeless at arranging flowers.
Nightly gay prayer: "Oh Lord,
watch over me while I lay me
down, my hot abs to keep."
Bitch Boy responds: How's your mullet
IF THERE'S JUST ENOUGH ROOM IN
the bar for a walkway, it's intended for
foot traffic, not two fat-asses getting it on
and making the rest of us sick to our
stomachs. For the love of all that is holy,
get out of the bar and onto a treadmill!
IF I MET A HANDSOME AND TOGETHER
guy who told me upfront that he had
Hepatitis C. I would find a way to have a
satisfying safe-sex life with him. So all
you guys who've told me how attractive I
am but run the other way because I have
HIV, I hope your desire to screw without
a condom is a good trade-off for your
TO THE STRAIGHT WOMAN AT WORK
who just can't seem to understand why I.
a gay man, do not want to marry a
woman: Why would I marry someone like
you and end up divorced four years later
like your gay ex-husband?
I'M FED UP WITH PRETENTIOUS
queens whose online profiles profess an
interest in "documentaries." Name the
last documentary you saw and give me a
SO YOU LIVE IN A FABULOUS
efficiency apartment that costs a grand a
month and you can't afford to see a movie
on our date. Why not move out of the gay
ghetto? What's the point of being in the
center of it all if you can't afford to do
I'M SO SICK OF BORING,
monotonous gay-themed movies. Aren't we
supposed to be witty and artistic? Why can't
we make a decent movie about ourselves?
JUST BECAUSE YOU GOT PLOWED
in front of a camera for $1,000 doesn't
make you a "porn star." It makes you
someone who got plowed in front of a
camera for $1,000.
STOP BEING SO JUDGMENTAL ABOUT
those who struggle to "move on." Most
gay guys quickly jump from one "love" to
the next, often while they're still involved.
Forgive some of us for having feelings.
TO THE PERSON WHO GRIPED
about civil unions being recognized in
only one state — not true. Not only in
Vermont, but also in New Jersey. I blame
the gay media, which refuses to acknowledge it because it was signed into law by a
Bitch Boy responds: Err. you mean
Connecticut, not New Jersey, which had a
big ole queen as a governor, but he was a
closet case and only signed into law
IF SHE'S YOUR "BEST FRIEND"
who just happens to be your ex, why did
you spend Saturday night with your arms
around her waist? At least be honest with
yourself, even if you can't be with me.
STOP WORKING TO GET MY
attention. I'm not blind, so if I found you
attractive you'd already have my attention. Staring at me. standing in front of
me. dancing next to me. and shaking what
I'm leaning on are annoying and only
make you even less attractive.
EVER NOTICE HOW JOAN COLLINS
is starting to look more and more like a
drag queen every year?
WHY ARE ALL-FEMALE COLLEGES
liberal, lesbian paradises while the all-
male colleges are the most conservative,
militaristic and gay-hostile schools
around? Maybe it's because, after all these
years, girls still just wanna have fun.
IF YOU "NEG4NEG" GUYS ARE SO
paranoid about catching something, then
why the hell are you advertising on a sex
site in the first place?
WHAT'S SO DAMN WRONG WITH
the Peter Pan Syndrome? The alternative
is boring and overrated!
AS A LATINO, I FIND IT EXTREMELY
distasteful and a major turn-off when
someone says, "I love Latin men." I don't
tell white guys, "I love Caucasians." Am 1
supposed to be flattered that you are
enamored by my Latino-ness?
Bitch Boy responds: I believe the correct
term is "Latinocity."
I AGREE WITH THE GUY WHO SAYS
being masculine is natural to him. The
main reason so many gay guys act effeminate is because they think of themselves
JUST BECAUSE YOU WEAR A HAT
all the time doesn't mean you're not bald,
it just means that you're insecure.
Bitors' note: These are real bitches, sent in by real naadets
about gay life's little annoyances and the big ones, too
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