12 MONTROSE VOICE / JANUARY 30, 1987
TO FEVWH SILENT
Cough Up, Says God
The Innocent Bystander
By Arthur Hoppe
The Reverend Oral Roberts, who was
told by a 900-foottall Jesus Christ to
build a hospital, now says that God's
ordered him to raise $4.5 million by
March to keep it running. If he <:■
Roberts said, God I 0
will kill him.
I stopped by God-
for-President headquarters for a free
cup of coffee and a
chat with the campaign manager, the
Skamm. He said
rolling in, thanks to an act of divine
"You were visited by a 900-foottall
Jesus Christ?" I asked.
"No," he said, "but a 10-story-high
giant taco did come to me one night."
"Hey," I said, "you must eat at Speedy
Gonzalez's Whole Enchilada Parlor,
too. And this taco gave you campaign
"No, it told me to build our Secular
Humanist Detection Center," said
Skamm. "It was God, himself, who got
in on the campaign planning. He said
we ought to start producing 30-second
spots to get his views over to the voters,
and he gave me 60 days to raise $10
million for tee-vee time."
"Or he said he'd kill you?"
"No, he said he'd kill anyone who
didn't cough up."
I nodded. "That's certainly an effective improvement on the fundraising
technique he gave Oral Robers," I said.
"Well, God's more emotionally
involved in this one," said Skamm.
"He's got his reputation on the line."
"You think he's sorry he tossed his
hat in the ring?"
"Oh, no. He said again just the other
day that he was sick and tired of every
preacher in the country claiming they
had his ear and his endorsement for
president. That's why he's running him
self. 'Cut out the middleman,' he says."
"A good slogan, too," I said. "But do
you think you'll make the deadline?'
"Look at these mailers we're sending
out," said Skamm, offering me a couple
The first read: "Dear Concerned
Voter: I need your help. Do you want to
put me back in the schools? Or do you
want the Commies, the militant homosexuals and the self-confessed secular
humanists to take over our country? Do
you want to send in $10, $25 or other
(check one) today? Or do you want to fry
in hell? (signed) God."
"Fry in hell?" I asked.
"No more Mr. Nice Guy," said
Skamm. "Here's the follow up."
It simply said, "Vaya con Dios—
Skamm rubbed his hands. "I figure I
ought to have that $10 million by a week
from Tuesday," he said.
"You ought to be ashamed of yourself," I said firmly, "claiming that God
would threaten to kill people in order to
raise funds. Who do you think you are.
Oral Roberts? I hope nobody gives you a
Skamm gave me a look. "You should
keep in mind the motto of our little fund-
raising project," he said.
What's that?" I asked.
"Ask not what God can do for you," he
said, "ask rather what God can do to
"On the other hand, here's a saw-
buck," I said. "Can I have a receipt."
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«1987 (S F I Chronicle Publishing Co
The Pot Pie
featuring our New Breakfast
A Terrific Taste Treat of:
The Sunrise, South of the
Border, and S.O.S.
Gemini Feels Desired
By Mark Orion
Your Horoscope from the Voice
For Friday evening. Jan 30, through Tuesday
morning. Feb. 3. .987.
ARIES—Everyone should have someone like you for a friend this weekend
You've got passion and compassion. You
can light up the darkest places. Spread
the glow! Let 'em know what love is!
TAURUS—You want what you want,
and that's all there is to it. With a little bit
of imagination, you may get the material
things. If you can control your need for
control, you may have your emotional
needs filled, too.
GEMINI—You'll feel needed, loved,
cherished. You'll feel like number one,
king of the mountain, top of the heap.
This could lead to self-centeredness,
couldn't it? Not if you return all those
feelings to the right person.
CANCER—Work it out. You got over
last week's hump, and now you're humpy
and hungry again. All that energy needs
an outlet. Take a very special person to a
very private place, and together, you can
work it out.
LEO—Somebody's got you by the tail.
Normally, you wouldn't mind that too
much, but right now you have something
important to prove. Show and tell what's
in your mind and heart.
VIRGO—Last week's feelings of
unreality and haunting dreams have
sharpened into a keen sense of reality
and how to make the dreams work. Confusion's out, clarity's in. A new version of
your old self is making you happy and
LIBRA—Blending the masculine and
feminine, the aggresive and submissive is
your talent this weekend. You'll find yourself at ease in the most uncomfortable
situations. You could make a lot of
money, or a lot of love. Either one makes
SCORPIO—When an old love shows
up out of nowhere, you'll know what to do
and how to do it You're sure enough of
yourself to know the decisions you make
will be the right ones.
SAGITTARIUS—You're able to take
some very original ideas and use them
wisely. Things that were hidden come to
light. Old love and a new venture seem to
go hand in hand this weekend. Pillow talk
can be profitable.
CAPRICORN—Have you seen your
father, baby, standing in the shadows?
Someone just out of sight watching what
you're up to? You can take this feeling as
guilt, or as admiration for you as a special
person How'm I doin', Pop?
AQUARIUS—Someone older, who
could have a very powerful influence in
your life, attracts you. There's a feeling of
beginnings in the air. New things are
within reach; reach out!
PISCES—What happens when you
combine passion with sincerity? You'll
find out soon enough, since you'll be giving and taking plenty of each. It could
turn out to be bigger than both of you.
«19B7 MONTROSE VOICE