8 MONTROSE VOICE/DECEMBER 12. 1986
Hello to Arms
The Innocent Bystander
By Arthur Hoppe
In this hour of crisis, Mr. Reagan can
count on me to stand behind him. I'm
the only person I've run into who
believes the president didn't know what
was going on, and I'll defend his ignorance to my last breath.
I know what ^
you'll say. You'll ^
say: "Admiral Poin- ^
Colonel North, .%
briefed him directly ^
every day on what
was going on. So
how could he not
know what was
going on?" Well,
I'll tell you:
Scene: The Oval Office. The president
is seated in his swivel chair, chin on
chest, as the admiral and the colonel
enter. The colonel has an Uzi submachine gun in one hand and a bayonet in
The Admiral: Better give him a presidential salute, Ollie, to get his attention.
The President: (giving a start as the
colonel fires off a quick hurst into the
ceiling/ Oh, it's you Ollie. (beaming)
Won any good wars lately?
The Colonel: /modestly) No. sir. But I
did manage to get a dozen planeloads of
weapons through to the Ayatollah and
those other moderate fanatics who are
heleagured out there in that Iranian
The President: He'll need them, poor
devil. Surrounded by Arabs. Probably
running out of water by now. Just like
Gary Cooper in "Beau Geste." Holed up
in Fort Zinderneauf. Most of his fellow
Legionnaires dead. The treacherous
The Admiral: Yes sir. And we made
$30 million on the deal. What would you
think of putting it in a Swiss bank
account, Mr. President?
The President: Swiss, you say? (singing reedily) "The hills are alive with the
sound of music.." Great place, Switzerland.
The Admiral: I knew you'd agree, sir.
(taking a fat file out of his briefcase)
Here's a list of the secret names and the
secret numbers of the secret accounts,
which I'll now proceed to shred in order
to keep them secret.
The President: (as the shredded paper
mounds up on his desk) Yes, I remember
Shirley Temple trudging up the Alps
with her milk pail. Remember "Heidi1"
Cute little tyke. Of course, that was lit
years before we rode off into the sunset
together. Remember "That Hagen
The Admiral: Yes, sir. Now about
what's going on in Latin America ...
The President: (frowning) Don't tell
me about Latin America. I starred in
several movies about Latin America.
Remember "The Alamo?"
The Colonel: (bayonetting a pillow!
Ai-yee! Remember the Alamo!
Tbe President: (as feathers fly about
the room) There I was, surrounded hy
Mexicans. Running out of water. Holed
up in the Alamo. Most of my fellow Texans dead. The treacherous enemy ...
The Admiral: Yes, sir, They're just
like the Sandinistas. Now, our boys, the
Contra freedom fighters are the moral
equivalent of. . ,
The President: The Cisco Kid! -lust
think, thousands of Cesar Romeros
dashing about the countryside, each
with his trusty sidekick. Leo Carillo,
righting wrongs and protecting the
innocent with simple six-gun justice,
the way I always did. Remember me in
"Kight Days to Sunset'".' Or was that
"Ten Horses to Tombstone'".'
The Admiral: Then it's all right with
you, Mr. President, if we air drop a couple of dozen small bills on our belea-
gured (.ontra friends'.'
The President: (musing) No, I think it
was "Six Soliders to Hell and Mack." Or
was that John Wayne? No. he was Rooster Coghurn. 1 think he was in "The
Alamo." I was in "Bedtime for Bonzo."
There I was, holed up in bed, surrounded
by pillows ... My head slowly sinking...
The Colonel: Want me to fire off
another 50 rounds, Admiral?
The Admiral: No, Ollie, we'll try
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