'Mrs PART OF COMRADE GORBACHEV'S NEW 'OPENNESS'/"
Everywhere You Go,
You Must Fly Merged
The Innocent Bystander
by Arthur Hoppe
"Good evening, sir. You'll be flying with
us on Behemoth Airways tonight?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"Well, no you
don't, do you? I
guess we're the only
one left since we
merged with U.S. -
Texas - American -
Delta - Pan-American - TWA - World
Airways. But as the
said in approving
this very last
airline merger, 'One big happy company will better service the public.'"
"Well, frankly, I think the quality of
your service has deteriorated badly."
"Oh, yeah? Well, the quality of our
customers isn't so hot either. Take you:
bleary eyes, a two-day beard and that
suit looks like you slept in it."
"Who slept? I was in line between
three screaming children and a lady
with a dyspeptic St. Bernard in a box. I
haven't had a wink in 48 hours."
"And another thing, you customers
complain a lot more than you used to.
Grouse, grouse, grouse. Now, what class
do you want to fly, Executive Steerage,
Business Steerage or Economy Steerage?"
"How much is Executive Steerage?"
"If you have to ask,you can't afford it.
But I can let you have a one-way ticket
from San Francisco to L.A. for $787."
"Don't you have a special fare good
after midnight Wednesdays for the emotionally disabled without baggage
because it was stolen while they were
trying to fend off muggers?"
"What's a special fare? Where do you
want to sit?"
"I'll take a window?"
"What's a window?"
"All right, I'll take an aisle."
"What's an aisle? Look, Mac, I'll put
you in 17-C."
"Is that nonsmoking?"
"You want nonsmoking? OK, I'll
move you to 17-B. Nonsmoking's every
other seat. What about your in-flight
meal? Would you prefer bread or
"Not unless you want to move up to
Executive Steerage. Would you care to
purchase a headset for $39.95?"
"In the dark? Our 90-minute feature
film tonight is 'Big Behemoth Loves
You.' It's the warmhearted story of how
the airline industry has benefited from
the final merger. For example, all the
pilots now speak the same technical language."
"The same technical language?"
"Like, you know, 'Holy criminy, look
out!' Stuff like that. Now, let's see, your
direct flight will stop at Manteca,
Modesto, Merced, Madera and Mel's
Tree Farm to take on wood."
"Yes, this is one of our ecologically-
sound, economical, wood-burning jets.
Then the stewardess will demonstrate
the use ofthe parachute as you try to fly
over the Tehachapis."
"I get a parachute?"
"No, the stewardess does. Your safety
features include an individual St. Christopher's medal and a Gideon Bible in
the seat pocket in front of you."
"Wonderful. I notice on the board up
there that there's no time of departure.
When will the flight take off?"
"As soon as we can fill it up. That
should be within several days, though."
"Several days? Before the last
merger, didn't you have a flight to L.A.
every hour on the hour?"
"Yes, we did. But for some reason, people don't seem to be flying as much these
days as they used to."
«M987 (S.F.) Chronicle Publishing Co.
APRIL 17, 1987 / MONTROSE VOICE 19
No More Concealed
Secrets for Leo
By Mark Orion
Your Horoscope from the Voice
For Friday evening, April 17, through Friday
morning, April 23, 1987:
ARIES—Feeling lethargic? Got the
blahs? Motor won't turn over? Do something you've never done before. You need
to get out of your humdrum routine. A
midnight swim, or something even more
bizarre connected with water might be
the answer. Take along a Pisces or
TAURUS—That little thing on the side
keeps growing larger all the time. You
just can't keep your mind off the current
attraction, as it becomes a real distraction from what should be important to
you. Like a silly song you can't help singing, it's forgettable but cute.
GEMINI—What an idea! Why did't I
think of that? Lightning stikes again: a
man and a women that you're close to will
both benefit from your mind-bending
innovations, though not in the same way.
It will be very interesting to watch their
reactions as you plot it all out.
on African Chiclid
on Fancy Gold Fish
on 20 gal. High Aquarium
on 6-sided Flat Back 16
on Hermit Crabs & their
Bring this ad with you to
qet 15% discount before
Tom's Pretty Fish
only 6 blocks from Main St^
Al's Insurance Service
Houston, Texas 77004
LOW DOWN PAYMENTS
CANCER—The gods made this time
just for Cancers. So you'd better not blow
it. Here's a respite from troubles and an
opening for something special. Slide into
it. Don't let it slide by!
LEO—You've put away your nasty
growl and you have no more secrets to
conceal. The light and fun that carried
you through last time can now be brought
into your work and business life. You've
got a lot to give, and those around you
will do more than appreciate it.
VtRGO—Romance gets put on the
back burner while you turn the old sex
drive on high. That could take you to
some pretty strange places that make you
unreachable to those you're close to.
Maybe you should pursue your activities
with some discretion, no?
■ LIBRA—What is it with your lover or
close one these days? The more positive
and loving you are, the more negative and
distant the relationship. You're doing
what comes naturally to you, so there's
no point in trying to make drastic
changes. Be yourself and listen for clues.
SCORPIO—Put on your travelling
shoes and shuffle off to—well, maybe not
Buffalo, but you won't have to go far to
get a thrill of adventure. You've been
longing for it, so if you can't get out of
town, let your mind do the travelling. A
good fantasy, couldn't hurt.
SAGITTARIUS—The power of love
that struck you last time has a healing
effect and enables you to move ahead in
other areas of your life. With your nighttimes shining, your day-to-day responsibilities take on a better, brighter light.
CAPRICORN—The heat is on; body
heat and mental heat are high, and so are
you. High, hot and somewhat more outrageous than your usual self, you can
learn a lot and teach some things too.
Don't let the heat get you down; it should
be getting you up, up, up!
AQUARIUS—Let your intuitive, yielding side guide you through this time of
decisions. You can continue to stand at
the crossroads, and you've got to be able
to trust yourself before you choose your
turn. Meditate on what's central to you,
and most important.
PISCES—Now comes the turning
point. Balanced between yesterday's
requirements and tomorrow's hopes is
the part of your life that involves decision
and committment. You'd love to get lost
in dreams, but reality beckons.