Bar Talk SA. S.T.CN. Page 6,
'Trankly, My Dear.,
by Frank Benge
"LIFE IMITATES T.V."
Have you ever had one of those days when
your mind feels like somebody sprayed PAM on it?
The sudden realization that you aren't going to
be particulary retentive of anything, but the
slogans on people's T-Shirts?
Well, during my last period of PMS (Pam
Mentality Syndrome), I was amusing my
remaining grey matter with the T-Shirt
slogan..."My Life Is A Soap Opera" when I
suddenly had one of those moments when my mind
slips gears and shifts into overdrive...and
when you're contemplating a T-Shirt slogan the
results of the mental activity can be rather
I really don't know any Gay person who can
honestly wear a T-Shirt that say's "My Life Is A
Soap Opera". That slogan seems to apply to the
straight world. (I base this on the fact that
I've lost no friends to UFO's and have yet to
wake up to discover that my whole last year was
' just a dream. . .as much as I would have liked
After careful consideration it seems that
the Gay version of that T-Shirt would have to
read "My Life Is A Sitcom" (and not the Cosby
show, as that's sci-fi.) For most of us, the
shirt could even be more specific and say "My
Life Is The Mary Tyler Moore Show".
To test whether this applys to you or not,
here is a guide to spotting various characters
in your surroundings. Ted Baxter; The next time
you're at work, take a moment and carefully
observe your co-workers. If you don't go into
shock from what you see, you'll realize that you
work with at least one Ted Baxter. Don't be
surprised if you spot a Georgette before you
spot a Ted, especially if your co-workers are
Gay, too. Sue Ann Nivens; This one is harder to
spot (Unless' you work in a bar, where Sue Anns
can be found in abundance.) Take some time with
this one. You may also want to look for this
one while drinking. It's not uncommon to
discover that your Sue Ann is your best friend
and, if you're drinking have something handy to
throw whan the realization hits you.
Mary, Rhoda & Phyllis" This one gets a
little complicated and, therefore, takes some
explanation. At one time or another in your
life, you will find that you qualify as all of
these characters. (this can also be called the
"Sybil Theory".) Here'
's how to tell when you
Mary: Life was always perfect for Mary,
especially in the dating department. Whenever
Mary really wanted a date, she got one. The
easiest way to tell if you're in "Mary Mode" is
if, after a night at the bars, you get to go
home with someone.
Rhoda: This one's alot easier to tell. If
the bar closes and you face the prospect of
going home and rolling your hair...you are
Phyllis: This one is the easiest to spot of
all...but, only in retrospect. On those nights
when you don't feel like going anywhere and
everyone you know annoys you, chances are you're
being Phyllis. If you are on the phone dishing
people, then it's definite.
And, if you have a lover, you get to play
Murray. Unless, of course you're too busy
acting like another set of Gay role models. Who?
Why, Lucy and Desi, of course.
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