8 The Star/ March 23,1984
By Tom Dolan
There I w.as in my '65 VW, rubber tipping
my gums as instructed by my periodontist,
rocking the car forward and back, waiting
for the light to change, when who should
pull up next to me but Dirk, my steady, the
only almost-constant in my life.
I rolled down my window and hollered,
"Hey, Dirk! Where ya goin'?"
"I'm on my way to the Gondola. Wanna
meet me there?"
"Sure," I said. The Gondola is an Italian
restaurant offering two meals for the price
of one on Thursday nights.
No sooner had we given our order to the
waitress, "Two cannellonis, please," than
the trouble started.
"Would you like to come over for quiche
tomorrow night?" Dirk asked.
"Gee, I'm sorry, Dirk. I have other
My friend looked stricken.
"Are you seeing somebody else?" he
"I have the feeling no matter what I say,
I'm in trouble," I said. "I'd rather not
answer questions about tomorrow night."
"You're going to have sex with him,
aren't you?" he said.
"I have no idea," I replied.
"You're open to it, aren't you?"
"I can't rule it out," I said, beginning to
"What kind of work does he do?" asked
"He's an artist.''
"You're susceptible to artists."
"I'm susceptible to men," I s.aid.
"Is he good-looking?"
"I'm not answering any more questions," I said, as two steaming plates of
cannelloni arrived at our table.
"They smell great!" I crowed.
"I can't eat," said Dirk.
"What do you mean you can't eat?" I
"I'm too upset."
"If you choose to be upset, that's your
business. I'm going to enjoy my cannelloni," I said, digging in.
"I don't know how you can sit there
sucking up cannelloni under these circumstances," said Dirk.
"If you don't ease up, I'm going to have
indigestion. Would that make you
"Listen, stupid, we love each other," I
said. "Let's not be miserable."
"If you love me so much, why are you
seeing this other guy?"
"It's important for me not to feel owned.
I'm tired of the compulsory Friday night
"You're hurting me," he said.
"You're hurting yourself. Peripheral
relationships can enhance the primary
"One man's bullshit is another man's
wisdom. Anyway, I'm not going to marry
"You don't know that," he said.
"You're right," I admitted. "But what
makes you think I'm going to run off?"
"I just feel it," he said.
"Your feelings are off the wall. But if you
choose to create a purple monster, go right
ahead! It will be amusing."
'Allow me to embellish the fantasy.
This guy is an Adonis. As soon as he steps
into my apartment, we plunge into bed
and stay locked in an obscene embrace 'til
dawn, when we pack our suitcases and
head for Niagara Falls."
Better Sex in
Is your love life getting you down? Don't
call your shrink, head for the country,
says an article in the Glasgow Daily
An Italian doctor says many sexual
problems are caused by big-city noise.
He claims his patients' sex drives and
fertility improved as soon as they were
ensconced in more peaceful environs.
"That's enough," he said.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"Well," said Dirk, "you got what you
wanted," one of his favorite expressions.
"So did you," I chimed as if on cue.
"I guess this is it," he said with the aire
of a 19th century tragedian.
"Not again?' I said with mock surprise,
sucking up the last of my cannelloni.
"I didn't think it would happen so soon,"
said Dirk, "I'm not ready for it." He hastened to add, "I think I'm going to freak
I used to attract guys that liked to watch
Saturday morning cartoons. Now I attract
guys that cry.
"I'm going to cry," announced Dirk.
"Please don't cry in the canneHoni.
You'll ruin it," I said.
"That's not funny," he said, choking up.
"I should have said I was working late
at the office."
"You've ruined my evening," he said.
"You're not exactly making mine," I
said, adding "I'm sure you'll devour that
cannelloni as soon as you get it home."
"How can you be so cruel and heartless?"
"I'm only being honest. Honesty is a
"So is love. Can we negotiate this
thing?" asked Dirk.
"Sure," I said. "Let's start with the premise that you're manipulative and I'm
"You are. That's why we have so many
conflicts," I said.
"We do not?' he screamed as heads
turned. "Don't you ever say that!"
Glaring at his untouched food, Dirk continued. "You're making a big mistake."
"I know," I lied. "I love mistakes.
They're wonderful opportunities for personal growth."
"I can't stand the thought of sharing
your body with another man," he said.
"Then think about something else," I
said, adding unnecessarily, "Haifa loaf is
better than none."
"That does it! You're hopeless."
"Shut up," I said.
"I will if you will," said Dirk.
"Do you want to go home and fool
around?" I asked.
Dirk smiled across cold cannelloni and
said, "Do they put whole dinners in a doggie bag?"
"Let's ask," I smiled back at him.
Dolan is a syndicated gay columnist who
lives in San Diego. His articles appear
here and in other gay publications.
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