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The Star, No. 10, March 23, 1984
File 005
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The Star, No. 10, March 23, 1984 - File 005. 1984-03-23. University of Houston Libraries. University of Houston Digital Library. Web. February 17, 2020. https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/gcam/item/1737/show/1728.

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

(1984-03-23). The Star, No. 10, March 23, 1984 - File 005. Gulf Coast Archive and Museum (GCAM) Digital Archive. University of Houston Libraries. Retrieved from https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/gcam/item/1737/show/1728

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

The Star, No. 10, March 23, 1984 - File 005, 1984-03-23, Gulf Coast Archive and Museum (GCAM) Digital Archive, University of Houston Libraries, accessed February 17, 2020, https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/gcam/item/1737/show/1728.

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

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Title The Star, No. 10, March 23, 1984
Contributor
  • Hyde, Robert
Date March 23, 1984
Language English
Subject
  • LGBTQ community
  • LGBTQ people
Place
  • Austin, Texas
  • San Antonio, Texas
Genre
  • newspapers
Type
  • Text
Identifier OCLC: 783846406
Collection
  • University of Houston Libraries Special Collections
  • LGBT Research Collection
  • Gulf Coast Archive and Museum (GCAM) Digital Archive
Rights No Copyright - United States
Note This item was digitized from materials loaned by the Gulf Coast Archive and Museum (GCAM).
Item Description
Title File 005
Transcript 4 The Star / March 23. 1984 'Male Couple' Authors Show Problems of Gay Guys in Love from page 1 three months and say that's how it works. Last month when we were vacationing in Acapulco, we met couples who were bi- continental." David added, "We really have the opportunity to create relationships and make them anything we want. Don't get tied down to the heterosexual model. Don't get tied down to the mom and dad model. Don't get tied down to what we're writing about right now. "Let's be creative with ourselves," David emphasized. "Let's make relationships that are supportive to our humaness and which satisfy our needs. Let's not get strung up with all the old rules." But apparently that is what most male couples have done, still expecting their relationships to work like Antony and Cleopatra's when they should more closely resemble Antony and Caesar's. And with this new study, maybe they'll have a few contemporary "romans" to at least mirror some of their activities and feelings. Close to the core of their book is the "heart" of the study which blows to hell any preconceived notion of capturing a lumberjack and running off to Montana to live happily ever after. Lumberjacks can be captured, but he's most likely to live across town from you as with you and have sex with just about anyone he pleases, though there are exceptions to the rule. And, also, most gay couple relationships average about five years. Dreary thoughts for romantics raised on Prince Charming/Cinderella stories. "It's tough to talk to those romantics," Drew said. "They're either in high limerence or don't want to believe you no matter what you say. 7 think a lot of us unconsciously or unwillingly still buy into the myths about the brevity of male couples.' "Most of them did grow up with the Ozzie and Harriet model. I think the farthest away that Ozzie and Harriet ever got in that whole 10 years of television was Harriet in the kitchen and Ozzie in the study. Thank, God, they produced Ricky." Yet most male couples still expect a happily-ever-after concept of their relationships, and the authors are quick to point out that as soon as a big chunk of reality sets in after about one year, disappointments surface and the relationships fall on their faces. The "child" two men were trying to make gets quickly aborted when wine and roses are not delivered every night. David stated that the concept of a great romance was a definite factor in their study, a period he refers to as "high limerence. "There was a very high romance," he said of his findings. "A total feeling of being swept away with the other person for some period of time. "The difficulty is that those feelings go down hill real rapidly," he said. "For most of us, they don't last." Drew added that it is at this point that most male couples stop the relationship and start a new one. "One of the things that commonly happens with male couples because ofthe high merging and limerence of stage one (the first year), they get real close, real fast, real intensely and it's wonderful and it's scary as hell," Drew said, "because the emotional vulnerability that is a consequence (ofthe relationship) goes part and parcel with the intimacy. "It's sort of a paradox," he said. "We sort of want the intimacy. We get frightened and are not trained and don't do well frequently with being vulnerable emotionally. And we might really get hurt. "And our response then," Drew continued, "unwillingly or otherwise, is to emotionally distant one's self from the partner. "It's almost like a reaction against the intimacy and the blending and the limerence. It's scary. It's like falling into a hole." And then there's the other factor, which sometimes emerges early in male couples. "We don't like being tied up with somebody else. Or it's happened to me before, and I've gotten kicked in the nuts, so to speak, and I don't want that terrible pain of loss and separation again," he said. Another problem with male couples lies in their belief that male relationships don't last for long periods of time. "I think a lot of us unconsciously or unwillingly still buy into the myths about the brevity of male couples," Drew continued. "So that's a self-fulfilling prophecy. "As an example, at the end of eight months we have a difficulty or a fight, instead of leaning in and kind of dealing with what's going on, we say, 'Well, let's blow it off. The door's this way. I don't want to deal with it. I'll get out.'" David said that another reason for brief relationships between males is due to an upbringing formed by a heterosexual world where men attracted to men do not have the chance to become more mature at handling a responsible coupling. "We, as gay people, don't have the rehearsal behaviors that our heterosexual brothers and sisters have in adolesence," he said. "We're trying to play the straight game in adolesence. We're trying to date girls, and it's all phony. It doesn't work for us. "When we come out, then we have this adolesenct period," he said, then added, "but I don't think it's something peculiar to us as gay people. It's just easier in the gay world to do it." Although David and Drew are studying male couples, they will not confirm that having a relationship is the only way to fly. "Lots of single gay men develop intimate and close extended families," Drew said. "There's a group of friends that they hang out with. It's a pretty tight emotionally supportive circle." But David still contended, "It's a human yearning to be couples." Beyond the loss of limerence, the authors mentioned that problems concerning issues of money, power, control 7 think that gay people are once again on the forefront of change in the development of relationships in different ways.' and competition have to be dealt with for a male couple to survive. "But the most important thing that keeps it together in the first 10 years we believe is that of choosing ways to find compatibility," David stressed, "ways to live together that are complimentary and service each other and satisfy each other's needs "The ways that we can become compatible early in a relationship are the things that assure pretty much ongoingness at least in the first 10 years. "And after that, it's lack of poseessive- ness where we lose jealousy where we give away all those efforts we're making to change each other. We stop trying to change each other finally. After 10 years, we say, 'Okay, I'm going to love him and take him like he is.' "But finding compatibility and being as compatible as possible is the most important thing in maintaining a smooth, ongoing kind of plateau," he said. Despite a concentration on the gay culture, the authors still fall back into a heterosexual mold when they assume a federally sanctioned recognition of homo-*" sexual couples would help create more solid relationships. But who knows? The 1980 census revealed that the old concept of the nuclear family is, according to David, "almost like a dinosaur already." Also the divorce rate, coupled with increased life expectancy, is clearly show ing that it is becoming increasingly unrealistic to expect to spend your entire life coupled to one person. "I think we're blazing the trail for not seeing such disaster in ending relationships," Drew said, "and moving on and starting another one—or staying in that in-between-engagement sort of phase." But the authors are concerned more about being together than apart, and are already concentrating on their next book which may show how male couples can really pull it off—a suggestion, perhaps, to make what is already a good thing even better. Next week, Montrose psychologist David McGee will look a(The Male Couple from a different perspective and evaluate its influence in the psychological arena. TRAV€L CONSULTANTS 71 OPEN SATURDAYS For Prices and Information call Houston (713) 529-8464 or Texas Toil-Free 1-800-392-5193 Where the World Meets Houston 106 Avondale Houston, Texas 77006 (713) 520-9767 wumm mm&m HEW! The 1984 Edition of tffe Whole Qay Catalog featuring thousands of books for gay i men and lesbians, their families and friends. Our new 1 OO-page Whole Qay Catalog brings the world of gay and lesbian literature as close as your mailbox. Order Your Copy Todayl From Lambda Rising, The World's Leading Gay St. Lesbian Bookstore. (Discreetly packaged.) Please send me V>« Whole gay Catalog. Icnclose $2 Name — Address . v»y . State .Zip Send to: Lambda Rising Dept. CAN 2012 S Street. NW Washington, D.C. 200Q9
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