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Connections, Vol. 2, No. 1, December 1979-January 1980
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Connections, Vol. 2, No. 1, December 1979-January 1980 - File 014. 1979-12/1980-01. University of Houston Libraries. University of Houston Digital Library. Web. September 20, 2019. https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/gcam/item/1526/show/1518.

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

(1979-12/1980-01). Connections, Vol. 2, No. 1, December 1979-January 1980 - File 014. Gulf Coast Archive and Museum (GCAM) Digital Archive. University of Houston Libraries. Retrieved from https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/gcam/item/1526/show/1518

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

Connections, Vol. 2, No. 1, December 1979-January 1980 - File 014, 1979-12/1980-01, Gulf Coast Archive and Museum (GCAM) Digital Archive, University of Houston Libraries, accessed September 20, 2019, https://digital.lib.uh.edu/collection/gcam/item/1526/show/1518.

Disclaimer: This is a general citation for reference purposes. Please consult the most recent edition of your style manual for the proper formatting of the type of source you are citing. If the date given in the citation does not match the date on the digital item, use the more accurate date below the digital item.

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Title Connections, Vol. 2, No. 1, December 1979-January 1980
Contributor
  • Lind, Scott
Publisher Gay Community Services
Date December 1979-January 1980
Language English
Subject
  • LGBTQ community
  • LGBTQ people
Place
  • Austin, Texas
Genre
  • newspapers
Type
  • Text
Identifier OCLC: 5962584
Collection
  • University of Houston Libraries Special Collections
  • LGBT Research Collection
  • Gulf Coast Archive and Museum (GCAM) Digital Archive
Rights No Copyright - United States
Note This item was digitized from materials loaned by the Gulf Coast Archive and Museum (GCAM).
Item Description
Title File 014
Transcript Immediately I recognized what was happening to me. I began to feel very large, my mind seemed to encompass the universe, ray heart pulsated frantically whenever she was somewhere near, and when she would leave the room I could return to normalcy. Again my heart could regulate its pumping, my hands could stop trembling and I wouldn't have to stutter into another explanation for the reasons for my sudden paralysis. I,think she sensed my uneasiness, in fact enjoyed i,t because she would ask me what was wrong and then touch my face, my neck or my hand with her fingertips. Once she declared rather flippantly that she was in love with me but by then I had become so starved for words that it no longer mattered how they were delivered. A mixture of embarrassment and excitement brushed on my face as I turned to see if other people had heared. But Julie didn't seem to care if other people heard or not. I saw and loved in her as few people have, a fine rebellion against anything that confines her nature to predictability. The second time she uttered the words on another occasion it was more of a confession. She said the words, I love you, softly and far away as if she read them from a distance. And it is to this day that I have never come closer to believing her than I did then. But I said something real stupid just to race over that moment like: "Don't you have enough love at home?" She collapsed inwardly, mumbling something she didn't know I heard, "That's what you think." This marked the beginning of a turning point for the both of us. There had been a time in our lives when you could not see one without seeing the other,, but now we had become so much like strangers that even a glance risked displaying too much familiarity. Several months later, Julie was pregnant. Seeming decades passed before I was able to sift out those obscure ashes of emotions; those that dealt with Julie and those that dealt with this new world I was to face without her. Like most fools who think they can drown a fire with gasoline, I dealt with it by randomly taking a heterosexual relationship which seemed to pacify a society that would rather have me go through the motions of a meaningless male-female relationship than demonstrate the true love for the one I had chosen or any other such absurd sentiments for that matter. I stood for this kind of shit for as long as I could until I finally shouted to this system of things to just get off my ass! And it did. I still cared for Julie and now that she was the only unobtainable thing in my life I wanted her even more. -But that was not possible. Thus I was left in a handicapped state of mind. I am lesbian, alone, and yet nothing less than Julie will do. Chances are I could have found a reasonable degree of happiness with another woman but I would have no part of it. For some reason I felt that.by daring, to love anyone else it would lessen the dimensions of, the depths of what I had felt for Julie. Time progressed and I spotted her in various places, downtown, concerts, standing in front of her mother's house. Undetected, I hurried away. On my 21st birthday I suddenly began to realize that time was passing me by all the while I waited on it. And so, I was going to step out of this closet and slam the door behind me! But there is the problem of being able to scrutinize it all under the lens to see the mere microscopic good that could come from this. If she accepted me then we would go somewhere to live happily ever after but if she did not, then what was there for me to hope for, to fantasize about. Being told to go away is much harsher than living your*life out never knowing what could have been. I began to realize a couple of things that were not revealed to me at first. One: the very secret of my being able to remain in love with her for so long probably lies in the fact that our relationship had ended before it ever had a chance to get started; that had she been mine to love in the beginning it would have been over between us by now and I could have gotten on with my life to firjd someone else. Secondly, in wanting to give myself reasons to abandon this project, I told myself(that the only reason I still pursued her is because t refused to admit that I had only wasted time being shackled and bound hand and foot to this woman. Rather than ending it all here and starting over again elsewhere, I chose to waste it all. I found her in a hospital bed from some minor injuries received after being involved in an automobile accident. We strolled over the bygone years and I took pa--t in a campaign to get her away from the cigarette habit. In my absence and in secrecy, flowers were sent to her room and other gifts. While congratulating myself for being so bold, I was unaware that she was busy piecing, together an old mystery, the identity of that person who had written those letters, who had remembered her birthday each year. Then with only half-suspicions, she asked if I was the culprit who was doing these things for her. And without much skill in lying, I said no. Perhaps she believed me, perhaps not. At any event, I was not spared the silent ridicule in her eyes. The room was filled with her cold uneasiness as she summoned her male friend to her side to protect her from this pervert; the same guy she always complained treated her so cruelly. I was crushed. She never felt that way with me before and I was the same person I was years ago when we first met. I think I could have handled simple rejection, but the way she looked at me as if I were something grotesque, not human, is more than I can bear. I said at the last reserves of what was left of me, "But I only loved you, Julie," knowing that it was nowhere near all the things I could have said. I knew that her present situation was not working out for her and if she only TOOK A CHANCE WITH ME we could fly. I walked out, leaving my sanity with her. Now some people may think that it is all very noble and yet just plain crazy to love someone this long beyond all that which has happened. Sometimes I must confess that this seems to be true. My mind comes and goes nowadays. But who can say which is reality and which is schizophrenia or for that matter which is normal and which is abnormal. They are but two sides of the same coin. Constantly I have wrestled with the verdict and I have decided to go on loving her anyway. continued on page 19 CONNECTIONS December 1979/January 1980 "W
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