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Immediately I recognized what was happening to me.
I began to feel very large, my mind seemed to encompass
the universe, ray heart pulsated frantically whenever she
was somewhere near, and when she would leave the room I
could return to normalcy. Again my heart could regulate
its pumping, my hands could stop trembling and I wouldn't
have to stutter into another explanation for the reasons
for my sudden paralysis. I,think she sensed my uneasiness, in fact enjoyed i,t because she would ask me what
was wrong and then touch my face, my neck or my hand
with her fingertips. Once she declared rather flippantly
that she was in love with me but by then I had become
so starved for words that it no longer mattered how they
were delivered. A mixture of embarrassment and excitement brushed on my face as I turned to see if other
people had heared. But Julie didn't seem to care if
other people heard or not. I saw and loved in her as
few people have, a fine rebellion against anything that
confines her nature to predictability. The second time
she uttered the words on another occasion it was more of
a confession. She said the words, I love you, softly and
far away as if she read them from a distance. And it is
to this day that I have never come closer to believing
her than I did then. But I said something real stupid
just to race over that moment like: "Don't you have
enough love at home?"
She collapsed inwardly, mumbling something she didn't
know I heard, "That's what you think." This marked the
beginning of a turning point for the both of us. There
had been a time in our lives when you could not see one
without seeing the other,, but now we had become so much
like strangers that even a glance risked displaying too
much familiarity. Several months later, Julie was
pregnant.
Seeming decades passed before I was able to sift out
those obscure ashes of emotions; those that dealt with
Julie and those that dealt with this new world I was to
face without her. Like most fools who think they can
drown a fire with gasoline, I dealt with it by randomly
taking a heterosexual relationship which seemed to pacify a society that would rather have me go through the
motions of a meaningless male-female relationship than
demonstrate the true love for the one I had chosen or
any other such absurd sentiments for that matter. I
stood for this kind of shit for as long as I could until I finally shouted to this system of things to just
get off my ass! And it did.
I still cared for Julie and now that she was the
only unobtainable thing in my life I wanted her even
more. -But that was not possible. Thus I was left in a
handicapped state of mind. I am lesbian, alone, and yet
nothing less than Julie will do. Chances are I could
have found a reasonable degree of happiness with another
woman but I would have no part of it. For some reason I
felt that.by daring, to love anyone else it would lessen
the dimensions of, the depths of what I had felt for
Julie. Time progressed and I spotted her in various
places, downtown, concerts, standing in front of her
mother's house. Undetected, I hurried away. On my 21st
birthday I suddenly began to realize that time was passing me by all the while I waited on it. And so, I was
going to step out of this closet and slam the door behind me!
But there is the problem of being able to scrutinize
it all under the lens to see the mere microscopic good
that could come from this. If she accepted me then we
would go somewhere to live happily ever after but if
she did not, then what was there for me to hope for,
to fantasize about. Being told to go away is much harsher
than living your*life out never knowing what could have
been.
I began to realize a couple of things that were not
revealed to me at first. One: the very secret of my
being able to remain in love with her for so long probably lies in the fact that our relationship had ended
before it ever had a chance to get started; that had
she been mine to love in the beginning it would have
been over between us by now and I could have gotten on
with my life to firjd someone else. Secondly, in wanting
to give myself reasons to abandon this project, I told
myself(that the only reason I still pursued her is because t refused to admit that I had only wasted time
being shackled and bound hand and foot to this woman.
Rather than ending it all here and starting over again
elsewhere, I chose to waste it all.
I found her in a hospital bed from some minor injuries received after being involved in an automobile
accident. We strolled over the bygone years and I took
pa--t in a campaign to get her away from the cigarette
habit. In my absence and in secrecy, flowers were sent
to her room and other gifts. While congratulating myself for being so bold, I was unaware that she was busy
piecing, together an old mystery, the identity of that
person who had written those letters, who had remembered
her birthday each year. Then with only half-suspicions,
she asked if I was the culprit who was doing these
things for her. And without much skill in lying, I said
no.
Perhaps she believed me, perhaps not. At any event,
I was not spared the silent ridicule in her eyes. The
room was filled with her cold uneasiness as she summoned her male friend to her side to protect her from
this pervert; the same guy she always complained treated her so cruelly. I was crushed. She never felt that
way with me before and I was the same person I was
years ago when we first met. I think I could have handled simple rejection, but the way she looked at me as
if I were something grotesque, not human, is more than
I can bear. I said at the last reserves of what was
left of me, "But I only loved you, Julie," knowing that
it was nowhere near all the things I could have said.
I knew that her present situation was not working out
for her and if she only TOOK A CHANCE WITH ME we could
fly. I walked out, leaving my sanity with her.
Now some people may think that it is all very noble
and yet just plain crazy to love someone this long
beyond all that which has happened. Sometimes I must
confess that this seems to be true. My mind comes and
goes nowadays. But who can say which is reality and
which is schizophrenia or for that matter which is normal and which is abnormal. They are but two sides of
the same coin. Constantly I have wrestled with the
verdict and I have decided to go on loving her anyway.
continued on page 19
CONNECTIONS December 1979/January 1980 "W
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