-:- JUST FOR FUN -:-
Gladys J. — "It says here in the
paper that the Marines have landed
fc and have the situation well in hand.
What does that mean?"
Ruth D.—"Gee, ain't you ever been
• out with a Marine?"
Old Judge Simmons of New Orleans
lost a good sized purse on account of
a "kitten's whisker" finish between his
fine black mare and a horse that had
come down there from Maryland.
i When the judges gave the race to
the Maryland horse, Judge Simmons
turned to me and said, in a faltering
voice: "My goodness, boy, I'm so unlucky that if I were Lazarus dead in
the tomb and the voice of the Lord
said, 'Lazarus, come forth,' I would
" A business man was involved in a
legal trial. On the date set for the
verdict, he found it necessary to leave
town, but left instructions with his
lawyer to wire him as soon as the
verdict was rendered.
The verdict was duly rendered, and
the lawyer wired as follows: "Justice
has been rendered at last."
When the business man read the
telegram, he wired right back: "Start
proceedings to appeal the case."
A youth had been taking treatments
at a hospital. In spite of the tonic the
doctor had given him, the youth had
appeared to be getting weaker with
t each visit.
"Are you sure you have been taking the medicine regularly?" the doctor asked.
• "Yes, doc, every four hours, like
it says on the bottle."
"Well, that's most surprising that
• you don't respond to treatment," said
the doctor. "Thousands of my patients
have been built up by thii tonic, and
I never knew it to fail before. What
• is your business? Maybe that hts
something to do with it."
"I'm an automobile salesman," said
# the sick man.
"Great heavens, why didn't you say
so?" cried the doctor. "No wonder
you're-getting weaker day by day.
Here's a dollar. Go out and get something to eat."
Inspector—Got away, has he Did
you guard all the exits?
Country Constable — Yes, but we
think he must have left by one of the
Colored Doctor—Well, Ah'i knocked
de fever outen yo' husband.
Mandy—Den he's gwine to get well?
■> Doctor—Not a chance; but yo' has
de satisfaction o' knowin' he died
* St. Peter—And here is your golden
Newly Arrived—How much is the
Wife (at busy crossing)—Now remember, Herbert, the brake is on the
left—or is it the right—but don't .
Henpecked Husband —For heaven's
sake stop chattering. Your job is to
smile at the policeman.
. Hulda: "I guess you played around
with all the French girls while you
were in Paris."
A. Burns: "No, not all of them. I
* was only there for two weeks."
"I'se berry sorry. Deacon Johnsing,
to see you comin' outa de bootlegger'*
_. "Can't help it, Sister Goldbug, I'se
gotta go home once in a while."
Portia G.: "Isn't Roger a naughty
dog, mummy? He ate my doll's
Mother: "Yes, darling, he ought to
* be punished!"
P. G.: "I did punis' him. I went
itwaight to the kennel an' dwank his
A man and his wife were having
tea in a fashionable restaurant
"Shall we dance, dear?" asked the
husband, rising from his chair.
"That wasn't the orchestra playing,"
replied his wife. "The waiter dropped
a tray of china."
A traveling salesman found himself
in a village hotel dining room when
a heavy downpour of rain set in. Addressing the waitress, he remarked:
"It looks like the Flood."
"Like what?" the girl inquired.
"Like the Flood. You've read ol
the Flood and how the ark landed on
Mount Ararat, haven't you?"
"No, sir. I haven't seen a newspaper for three days," she confessed.
Direction of Fred Page
John: What shall I do to get my
balky mule to go?
George: Explode T.N.T. under him.
John: (Sometime later), I did what
you said and now I can't catch him,
what shall I do?
George: Do the same to yourself.
George, (next day): Well, did you
get your mule?
John: No, but I got his bridle as I j
"Nigger" Page: They laughed at me
when I made a new kind of dynamite,
but when I dropped it they exploded.
-—-Relieving Her Feelings
Movie Star: Marie, get the glycerin.
I want to have a good cry.
HARD ON THE DOCTORS
"I've just heard your son was an
undertaker. I thought you said he was
"Not at all, I just said he followed
SHORT AND SNAPPY
Judge: What's your name, occupa-
toin, and what's the charge?
Prisoner: My name is Sparks, I am
an electrician, and I am charged with
Judge: Put this guy in a dry cell.
ALL TOO TRUE
Mrs. Bishkin, (to Mr. Bishkin): Every time you see a pretty girl, you
forget you're married.
Mr. Bishkin, (to Mrs. Bishkin):
You're wrong, my dear. Nothing brings
home the fact with so much force.
Among the things that makes traveling difficult for the student of science, on the road to success, is the
heavy traffic coming back,
IN A POSITION TO KNOW
"Hadn't you better go and tell your
father?" asked the postman to the
chemist's small son who stood looking
at the crushed walls and roof of his
father's small laboratory that had been
wrecked b an explosion.
"Knows? How can he know?"
"He's under the wreckage."
A negress went to her husband's
doctor and said: "Doctah, ah's come to
see if you am gwine to ordeh Rastus
one of dem mustard plasters agin."
"I think, Mandy, he'd better have
"Well, he says to ax yo' kin he have
a slice of ham wif it 'cause it's mighty
pow-ful to take alone."
THEY WANTED TEST TUBES
Roger Bell, Boone Roberts and Sam
Tremonte, three timid freshmen chemistry students, stood chattering in front
of the chemistry store-room door.
Mr. Flanaghan, evidently recognizing
the boys, said: "What do you want
"I want two soft glass test tubes."
Mr. Flanghan, after searching several minutes in vain for the tubes, decided that he could save time by opening a new carton of tubes. He
climbed a ladder, brought down the
carton containing the tubes from the
top shelf of the store-room, opened
the carton, gave Roberts two tubes, and
returned the carton to the same shelf.
Then he said: "What do you want Mr.
Bell? "I want two soft glass test tubes."
"Why didn't you say so before?"
said Mr. Flanaghan, irritably, as he
climbed the ladder again. He brought
down the carton as before and gave
Bell the two tubes and then turned to
Sam Tremont. "And do you want two
test tubes too?" he demanded
"No," replied Sam hesitantly.
Mr. Flanaghan climbed laboriously
to the shelf again and deposited the
carton of tubes. Then he returned to
the store-room door, where Sam was
"Well, Sam, what do you want?" he
"I only want one test tube," said
Mr. Bishkin was heard to remark
the other day that he had two classes
of chemistry students: "those who do
their best work today and forget about
it, and those who promise to do their
best tomorrow and forget about it."
LIFE IS UKE THAT
A little fellow of our acquaintance
wants to know why vitamins were
put in spinach and cod-liver oil instead
of in cake and candy.—Boston Tran-
MARCH OF CIVILIZATION
Explorer: "Just to show you the advance in civilization, in the past the
Eskimo used to eat candles for dessert."
Old Lady: "And now, I suppose they
eat electric light bulbs."
In regard to the news that three-
fourths of the explosives produced in
this country are used in mining, some
one asks if Chicago is in the copper
or bituminous coal belt?— Detroit
Fortunately, sustained oratory can't
be prolonged by taking on more gas —
ASK ANY MARRIED MAN
A psychologist declares that single
men are more truthful than married
ones. But then they are not asked so
many embarrassing questions.
Rip Harrison has more horses than a
horse thief. Here's where the handsome
Rip gets horsed.
Aside from tap dancing Mr. Harris likes to play golf and talk to the
co-eds. Ssh, here comes Mrs. Harris.
Mr. Miner is sensative about his
waistline. A little vanishing cream
might make it decrease to a reasonable
Frederick Augustus "Lieck is a farmer, but you'd never guess it.
Alfred Butler is a railroad man but
not a singing brakeman. Hope he appears in assembly more often. We'll be
Miss Hubbard says those who live
in France seldom take a bath. She
ought to know after having lived there
It is being rumored that Mr. Dupre
is learning to yo yo a yo yo. Here's
hoping he makes a good yo yoer.
Grocer (to small customer): Willie
would you like to have an apple?
Willie: No, sir. I'm afraid to eat
Willie: Cause my grandfather died
"Can you tell me," asked the judge,
addressing Enrico Ufuzzi, under examination as to the qualifications for
citizenship, "the difference between the
owers and prerogatives of the king
of England and those of the President
of the United States?"
"Yezzir," ppoke up Ufuzzi, promptly.
"King, he's got a steady job."
SCHOOLS KEEPING UP TO THE
Professor Kerbow emphasizes to his
Education 123 students the fact that
methods in teaching are continually
changing and therefore a teacher must
keep up to the minute in order to meet
present day educational demands.
In this connection, the April 9, issue of the Literary Digest says "Modernization is drastic. High schools and
colleges are up to the latest moment in
picking new courses and revamping old
The findings of G. W. Willet of La
Grange, Illinois, on a survey of study
courses in five hundred high schools
show that "many classes delve deeply
in social problems, peace and disarmament, prohibition and welfare work,
marriage and divorce."
FOUND—One black ladies' purse
about four blocks from Junior College. The genuine calf leather money
book among other things contained a :
small briar pipe and a pouch of Gran- j
ger Rough-cut tobacco. If owner will j
please call at Couger office, the purse
with pipe and tobacco will be returned
upon identification of same.
EUGENIA STEVENSON SELLS
MOST GRIGGS TICKETS
Eugenia Stevenson, by cashing in on
that winning smile of hers, led both
teams in the Griggs lecture sale contest. We venture to say that she could
sell Professor Birney a Cougar.
POLO CLUB ORGANIZED
; The Owhatanassiam club recently
. organized a Polo club in order to keep
, abreast of modern activities of its
: competitive fraternities. All necessary
i equipment has been secured with the
i exception of the ponies and a field.
j Members of the association were
highly pleased when Brother J. A.
Page announced through a megaphone
at the last meeting that the Softe
Hardware Company had donated a dozen croquet mallets. The club is already
in possession of several tennis balls.
Page stated that members wishing to
try out for the team must report immediately for skull practice.
It is rumored that the genial sports
writer for the Cougar, "Rip" Harrison,
is the proud owner of a thirteen year
old bay mare which he will rent to the
club. Since the treasury has a balance
of $2.47, we hope "Rip" will join the
club. He states the mare will be in
condition about May 4, 1932. "She is
recovering from a broken leg received
while plowing and I want the fracture
to heal completely before she is worked
in a strenous game of polo," said
N. C. Jensen, general chairman of
the Owhatanassiam athletic council is
very optimistic; in regard to the opening game.
"Only two players will participate
simultaneously," said Jensen in an exclusive interview this morning. "Besides 'Rip's' mare, we have purchased
a second hand bicycle to be used in
opposition to the man on the mare. I
will request all players to leave their
yo-yos at home as yo-yoing while polo-
ing will not impress the public."
O. D. Brown and Gordon Jones have
been chosen as leaders of two teams
which will compete in the ticket selling campaign for the initial game.
Meantime, the players are practicing on
Fannin street dally as there is very
little trafic between the hours of two
and three a. m.
(Continued from Page 1)
any rent on it."
Acting on his instructions, Jim took
hammer and screw-driver and started
pounding on the radiator as if to remove it.
George was the first to speak. "Don't
take it out," he pleaded. "How much
is the rent?"
"Ten dollars," he was told.
"Will you give us just a minute to
talk this thing over?"
"All right, but make it snappy. Do
you think we want to stay here all
night? We have other business that
must be attended to, and our wives
and babies are at home alone."
The boys went into a huddle, and
the conversation ran something like
"I haven't got but two dollars in
cash in the room, George. What shall
we do? We simply must keep that
radiator in here tonight, or I'll bust
that Chemistry test in the morning."
"That's all right, Henry, I have five,
and with the seven I think I can stall
them off." Then to the plumber he said,
"We don't have but seven'dollars cash
in the room, but if you will take that,
we can cash a check tomorrow, and
give the rest to you then."
"All right, give me the money, and
I'll come back tomorrow afternoon
for the rest. Come on, Jim, let's get
So saying, the unwelcome guests
gathered up their belongings and departed, slamming the door behind
"George," Henry asked when they
were alone again, "did you know that
j we were supposed to pay rent on the
"No," was the reply, "but if they
: say we have to pay, we have to do it.
j They ought to know. Let's pay the bill
on time from now on. I don't want
another scare like that."
Ten minutes later in Athletic Hall,
a dormitory for the members of the
various athletic squads of the college,
two husky young athletes might have
been seen removing their costumes,
erasing their mustaches with soap and
water, and preparing to call on some
Jim Watkins, the football star, alias
Jim the plumber, said to his companion in crime, Joe Fisher, captain
of the basketball team, "I don't feel
right about taking those little freshmen's money away from them like
"Forget it, Jim. The boys were sent
here to get an education, and we might
as well help them along. They should
be glad to have a chance to contribute
to so worthy a cause as ours. The
whole idea is that we can't take the
girls out if we haven't any money, and
I konw you would not like to disappoint a couple of young ladies like
tbe ones we have booked for tonight.
Hurry up and get dressed. And say,
are you sure you got those tools back
into the basement without the janitor
(Continued from Page 1)
Harold Cohen, president, appointed
Florence Kendrick and Pat McAlex-
ander td serve with him as a program
Talks were given by Evelyn Hurwitz, "Oratory;" Arthur Burns, "Cotter's Saturday Night;" Donald Aitken,
"Parliamentary Law;" Florence Kendrick, "Debate Judging;" Leon Green,
"New Football Rules;" Sam Tremonte,
"Famous Boxers;" Julian Hurwitz,
"Regulation of Transportation," Pat
McAlexander, "Water Supplies;" Jane
Hudgins, "Duck Hunting;" Helen Hig-
gins, "Equal Rights for Men and Women." Evelyn Cochran gave a declamation.
Photographer—Do you think you can
make a good portrait of my wife? _
Mr. Hooker—My friend, I can make
it so lifelike you'll jump every time
you see it.
What did the landlady do when she
found that you had left the light
burning for three days?
She turned us both out.